


Obsessed: Twilight x Ouran

by MapleKomori



Category: Ouran High School Host Club - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Blood, F/M, Sparklepires, fluffy dresses, mild chainsaws, vampire, why are girls depicted as stupid even in media aimed at girls?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-01
Updated: 2015-07-01
Packaged: 2018-04-07 01:56:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4245129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MapleKomori/pseuds/MapleKomori
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Edward Cullen joins the Host Club.  Kiss, Kiss, Fall In Love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Obsessed: Twilight x Ouran

Kiss, Kiss, Fall in Love…  
  
(music, music, music)  
   
The high school arched over the horizon like a pastel European castle. Actually, that's not too inaccurate, seeing as the pink and purple building was doubtlessly designed to resemble a European castle.  Atmosphere, you know.  Among the lovely scenery were decorative fountains, abundant rose gardens, classical marble statues, and picturesque colonnades.  At the very top of the campus lay the structure's crowning glory; a pristine pink clock tower that rose above the the other buildings and looked down at the students below.  
  
The students milled about along the campus grounds; the girls all in fluffy yellow dresses and the boys in baby blue blazers.  All were children of powerful corporate leaders, all born to a life of privilege - all, except for one.  First year student Haruhi Fujioka.    
  
At first glance, and probably second and third glance as well, Haruhi looked like any of the other boys at Ouran High School.  That was good for her because, well, go watch at least the pilot episode.  Too lazy?  Okay, to make a long story short, Haruhi is paying off a debt by working in a host club, which is a club in which sophisticated male students entertain fangirlish female students in kind of a 19th Century parlor setting.  Haruhi is oddly popular with the ladies, and seems to be passing for a boy by simply having short hair and a functional brain.  Such is anime.  
  
At this point, a black text box with a hot pink frame appeared.  Inside were hot pink Japanese letters telling us that this was indeed Haruhi Fujioka, our protagonist.  The point of this is somewhere along the lines of "Meanwhile, back at the ranch..."  
  
For what must have been the hundredth time, Haruhi took the familiar walk down the spacious corridor that led to Music Room Three.  The day's final classes had ended about fifteen minutes previous, and soon the host club would be inundated with adoring fangirls looking to be charmed by their favourite host.  
  
As Haruhi reached for the door handle, she could not help but overhear a conversation between two girls hovering by the door.  They were students from the upper years, not ones Haruhi remembered.  She vaguely recognized them as guests who would occasionally stop by the host club every few weeks, generally to gush over the unabashed cuteness of Honey-senpai.  

"Oh, wow," sighed one girl.  "You're so lucky you caught a glimpse of him."  The other girl nodded enthusiastically, then mimicked a full swoon.  
  
"He is sooo dreamy!"  
  
Haruhi looked on in curiosity.  The pink and black text box reappeared, displaying a blinking question mark.  
  
"They're not talking about Honey-senpai, are they?" she said to herself.  Well, seeing as she was talking to herself, asking a question she didn't really know the answer to, and, quite frankly, didn't care about, she continued with the opening of the door.  
  
Burst of rose petals!  
  
Title Sequence!  
  
"When A Vampire Came To The Host Club."  
  
End title sequence.  
  
The door swung open to reveal the six other members of the host club, all dressed as cowboys for some reason.  Haruhi took in the radical changes to the interior of the room, which had seamlessly gone from antique parlor room to Wild West by virtually no time or effort.  
  
"Howdy, Haruhi," said the sheriff, Tamaki.  "Better get yerself all suited up before the ladies arrive.  
  
"Umm... sure."  Haruhi wasn't quite sure she liked where this was going.  She had never been a fan of the whole cowboy thing, and really, anytime Tamaki wanted to try something new, it was a bad omen.  As she was trying to figure out just how disastrously silly she would look wearing a fringed vest and ten gallon hat, two identical figures dressed as your stereotypical Western flick "Indians" slinked around and flanked her from either side.  
  
"What's the matter, Haruhi?"  Asked Hikaru (or Kaoru).  
  
"You look like you don't approve," said Kaoru (or Hikaru).  Haruhi looked around at the ghost town and saloon settings and raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Well, I was going to mention that we usually go for something a little classier, but I suppose it doesn't make much of a difference."  
  
"This _is_ classy," said Tamaki.  "I saw it in a movie."   
  
Rose petals rained down on him, gathering on the brim of his hat.  
  
"Besides," he continued, "with our charm and style, what could possibly go wrong?"  
  
The pink and black text box blinked something about confidence.  But just in case the ubiquitous pink and black text box weren't enough, Kyoya offered to back him up.  Despite looking a little unusual wearing a bowler hat and black vest, he maintained the same aloof demeanor as always.  
  
"Judging by recent trends in the host club's history," he said, "we get the most guests when trying something new.  The sheer novelty of this so-called Wild West theme ought to bring up our revenue by at least one hundred and twenty percent."  
  
"And I'll bet Tama-chan's idea has nothing to do with the fact that Ouran just got two new American transfer students!"  
  
The crowd looked up to see Honey, in full cowboy regalia, riding atop the shoulders of a brooding, expressionless horse.   
  
"American transfer students," repeated the twins.  "What is this, a bad fanfic?"  
  
"Oh, it will get a lot worse from here," blinked the eternally helpful pink and black text box.  
  
Scene change!  
  
Time passed.  Well, it kind of always passes, but you know what I mean.  It was well into the host club's operational hours and they had hardly seen any guests.  
  
"I wonder why no one wants to come see us," said Honey.  He consulted the pinker and fluffier of his two silent companions.  "What do you think is the reason, Usa-chan?"  
  
The twins pushed the door open so that they could be seen from outside in the hallway.  Despite their costumes, they each grabbed a spare cowboy hat; one white and one black.  
  
"Whatever the reason," said Hikaru (or Kaoru.)  
  
"We can certainly win them over with _this_ ," said Kaoru (or Hikaru).  
  
The twins stood back to back, and tipped their hats down, reminiscent of some notable movie poster.  They were inexplicably accompanied by bubbles and rose petals.  
  
Despite their best, most exploitative strategy, the twins reeled in nothing for their efforts.  
  
"Well, that _is_ strange," observed Tamaki.  
  
"Yeah," said Haruhi.  "Normally, the fangirls would be flocking all over that."  
  
The answer made itself evident in class the next day.  At the back of the class, one of the two new students leaned casually on his desk.  His scintillating ivory skin glittered in the sunlight.  All around him, fangirls squealed, creating a puffy yellow cloud that enveloped the scene.  The visual effect was not unlike a loud and really annoying sunset.  
  
Then, another precious little daffodil bounced into the room.  She was average.  And clumsy.  And, despite spending the last several years of her life in Arizona, she did not have a tan (and boy did that worry her!)  
  
As she approached the last remaining empty seat, conveniently located next to the other new student, the first of whom we've introduced looked up with a curious expression.  His face said two parts "I think I'll kill you and drink your blood," three parts "ZOMG I am teh in love," and one part "Jizzed in my pants."  
  
"Hi Edward," said Bella.  "I'm Bella."  
  
Edward leapt up, pushed through the cloud of squeeing fangirls (drinking their blood on the way out), and ran from the room.  
  
Haruhi and the Hitachi twins looked on.  
  
"That was weird," they said.  
  
"Vampire!" blinked the helpful pink and black text box.  
  
That afternoon, Music Room Three was a veritable ghost town - and that was after the Wild West set had been taken down.  The host club had never seen their place so deserted during operational hours.  Tamaki especially was not taking it well.  
  
"I just don't get it!" he exclaimed.  "Don't the lovely ladies of this school like us anymore?  Is it possible that somewhere, somewhere we went wrong?"  
  
He spun around dramatically, and pointed a finger at Haruhi.  
  
"Surely, Haruhi, you must know what has happened!"  
  
Haruhi blinked, uncertain of what to make of this.  Tamaki was weird, but... this kind of went beyond his usual weirdness.  She decided to wait it out, because, knowing The Prince, a summative - albeit wacky - explanation would be on its way.  
  
"The first customers to start skipping out were first years - from your class!  So, surely surely, you must have spoken to some of them.  I'm sure you found out why!  I know you know some kind of answer!  Don't you, Haruhi?"  
  
Haruhi shrunk back.  She kind of had to.  During his rant, Tamaki had inched closer and closer to her, and by the end of it he had his wide eyes of concern right up in her face.  
  
"Uhh... Senpai?  You're standing kind of close."    
  
Tamaki backed down, deflating like a balloon.  
  
"Besides," said Haruhi "I don't really know what you're talking about."  
  
"Unless..." said one of the Hitachi twins (probably Hikaru, but I've lost track).  
  
"It has something to do with that new student in our class," said the other one.  
  
"Hm?  Oh, yeah!" said Haruhi.  "You mean that new one with the glittery skin and the unnaturally pointy canine teeth?"  
  
"That's the one," the twins said in unison.  
  
The seven members of the host club thought about this for a moment.  It did indeed make sense.  It was as though all their customers had stopped coming to see them altogether, and instead had taken to swooning over that Edward Cullen.  They were flocking in droves to him, and it was really detracting from the club's primary purpose.  
  
Kyoya, who had been silent through all this, finished punching in the last numbers on his computer.  He pushed his glasses up along the bridge of his nose and read the results over one more time just to be sure.  
  
"It seems as though we've got a real problem on our hands," he said, far too casually for any one else looking at A Real Problem.  "If our customer base drops to zero and stays there for very much longer, I'm afraid the host club will have to shut down."  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"Not regarding the matter that we can't entertain guests regardless, considering we have none, if we continue to remain in operation without getting any customers, we will soon go into debt."  
  
His eyes never ventured in Tamaki's direction.  This was a conscious choice on Kyoya's part, because he had already seen Tamaki turn into a black and white sketchy outline of himself one too many times.  
  
"But - But - Bu - bu - bu - but..."  
  
"One word at a time, Boss."  
  
"How is that possible?!  How can we be so close to debt?  We take in more and more customers every single day!"  
  
"Yes, but if you consider your spending habits - "  
  
"Okay, nevermind!" Tamaki paced across the elegant room.  "What we've got to do is deal with this Edward Cullen.  That should take care of our problem."  
  
The Hitachi twins exchanged sly glances.  
  
"Deal with him, you say?"  
  
"What did you have in mind, Hika-chan, Kao-chan?"  
  
The twins looked down at Honey's face.  The misleadingly adorable third year student seemed far too innocent to explain their plan to.  Well, let's face it.  It was a plan by Hikaru and Kaoru.  It wasn't going to be anything good.  
  
The next day at school, the twins set up a trap for Edward Cullen.  A wire, so thin that it was nearly invisible, was laid out across his path.  And even though they pulled that wire taught right when his ankle was perfectly within tripping range, Edward's sheer magnificence was such that he did not trip.  The twins looked on, baffled, as Edward floated on by.  
  
Later that day, they placed a bucket of, let's say, posy pink paint, over a doorway.  It was a little childish and immature, but then again, so were the Hitachi twins.  Hikaru more than Kaoru, but that's getting into a bit more depth than we need here.  Edward pushed the door wide open, so wide that it smacked flush against the door.  But the bucket of posy pink paint did not fall on him.  Edward was just that awesome.  
  
Hour after hour, prank after prank, Edward avoided disaster after disaster.  Nothing could get to him.  It was as if he were some sort of Gary Stu or something.    
  
After class that day, the Hitachi twins dragged themselves into the sanctum of Music Room Three.  They were just two weary outlines of themselves.  
  
"Sorry, Boss," moaned Kaoru (or Hikaru).  
  
"We tried our best," said Hikaru (or Kaoru).  
  
Tamaki banged his fist down against his open hand.  He got up and spun around in a dramatic gesture.  
  
"I've got it!" he shouted.  
  
"I should hope so," said Kyoya.  "We're really running out of time."  
  
"And cake," added Honey, who was sitting alone at a table laden with all sorts of fancy-looking sweet desserts.  He looked around curiously.  "Tama-chan?  If the host club is running out of money, are we still going to get cake?"  
  
"I've decided," said Tamaki, "that if this Edward Cullen is so flawless, so good at being charming, and so popular with girls..."  
  
"Uh-oh," Haruhi said under her breath.  "I don't think I like where this is going."  
  
Tamaki struck another dramatic pose; this one involved a pointing finger, bubbles, and rose petals.    
  
"Then we must convince him to join the host club!"  
  
And so, they convinced Edward to join the host club.  They did this in a logical way that respects the canons of both series, and involved rose petals, bubbles, and a hidden bucket of posy pink paint.  It took a while, but it worked.  
  
The next time the host club was in session, business was instantly booming.  The entire female population of the school was there, and - save for Haruhi, of course - they all flocked straight to Edward.  A few of the other hosts were a little jealous - okay, more than a little jealous - okay, the twins went blind with rage and Honey cried a little - but the point is, they were back on track.  Financially, anyway, Kyoya told them.  Plot wise, well, the story is just taking off, so keep reading.  Or, tab out and go tweet to all your friends how horrible this fanfic is.  I'm sure they'll really care.  
  
Perhaps the most remarkable thing about Edward Cullen's hosting style was that he didn't really have to do anything.  He just sat there and sparkled.  His eyes shone like liquid topaz, which, I suppose, some girls find to be very sexy.  Personally, I think it's a little weird, but to each their own, right?  All the fangirls of Ouran seemed to like it, and their squeals of glee filled the room.  
  
The din was almost enough to drown out a Powerful Motor.  That's right, it was a Powerful Motor, as the pink and black text box informs us, and some great spinning mechanism cranked to life somewhere beneath the floor.  
  
Oh, crud.  Is this the Renge part?  I frigging hate Renge!  Oh, well, let's get this over with.  
  
The sounds of maniacal laughter filled the air - yes, over the sound of a massive room filled with squeeing fangirls and of course a Powerful Motor.  Renge's laugh is just that loud.  
  
"Oh, my!" shouted Renge.  I don't really need to say "shouted," do I?  There's an exclamation mark there and everything, and besides, if you know the character... yeah.  But anyway.  
  
"Oh, my!" shouted Renge.  "I have never seen anything so kawaii in my entire life!"  
  
She struck a pose.  
  
"A brooding soul!"  
  
She struck another pose.  
  
"A forbidden love!"  
  
She struck yet another pose.  
  
"A perfect diamond-like complexion."  
  
I wish someone would strike _her_.  
  
Renge swept a - she hoped - meaningful glance across all the other members of the host club.  
  
"You guys sure could learn a thing or two from Edward.  Look how well he has developed his character!"  
  
The pink and black text box blinked "Vampire Type."  
  
"Note his internal struggle, his sensitivity, his sparkling skin!  All pure vampire!"  
  
Haruhi gawked at Renge, who was being even louder and more stupid than usual.  
  
"That's... not a vampire," she said.  "He's just creepy."  
  
And that ended that little exchange.  The Power Motor fired up again in reverse, and the odd hidden mechanism twirled Renge back to the subterranean lair from which she came.  
  
No one commented.  
  
But seeing as the tables and couches surrounding Edward Cullen were so heavily occupied, the girls there were fast running out of tea and cake.  Not that they weren't mostly distracted with their fawning over Edward, but a good many of them were for some reason beginning to feel a little woozy.  You know, like right after you give blood?  You know that feeling?  See where I'm going with this?  Kids, don't date vampires.  
  
 _Hehehe, I am sitting in a coffee shop right now, by the way, and there's this really creepy chick - YEAH, YOU! - and she's looking over my shoulder.  Yup.  That's right.  
  
Okay, she's gone now.  She's still sitting beside me though, and doing this really annoying thing where she flicks the crumbs from the cookie she is eating all over the ground between our chairs, Every Single Time she takes a bite.  For god's sake woman, it's a cookie!  It makes crumbs!  If you don't like crumbs, don't get a goddamn cookie.  You see me?  I have nothing here but a water bottle.  Maybe you should try that.  Maybe you can handle it.  Frigging goddamn over shoulder reading cookie flicker.  I hate you.  
  
Where was I?  Oh, right.  Tea and cake._  
  
"Oh, Haruhi," Tamaki said sweetly.  "Would you please take some sweets over to... well.. over there."  
  
Tamaki did not need to specify.  Again, Edward was the only host who had any guests.  Haruhi nodded.    
  
"Sure thing, Senpai."  
  
She wheeled the little tea trolley around towards the squeeing hoarde.  As she made her way over, Tamaki could not help but watch the sparkling stranger Edward Cullen in action.  He was a real natural.  Tamaki Suoh might have been quite charming himself, but it was an art that he practiced at every single day.  This Edward Cullen did not even seem to have to do anything but sit there and brood.  It was very... strange.  So was the fact that he sparkled in the sunlight, but everyone just assumed he was being sponsored by M*A*C makeup products or something along those lines.    
  
And then, as Haruhi approached Edward, wheeling the tray closer and closer, Tamaki realized that he had just made a terrible mistake.  He watched in horror as his dear little girl made her way through the crowd of swooning fangirls.  Soon, she reached the epicenter, and by then, it was too late.  
  
"Noooooo, Haruhi!" Tamaki shouted.  "Don't look into his eyes!"  
  
But all was already lost.  As Haruhi presented the last cup of tea to the fangirl sitting directly at Edward's left, she accidentally caught a glimpse of his dreamy, ugh, liquid topaz eyes.  Why does 'liquid topaz' sound like some kind of posh liqueur that high school students drink themselves sick on to show how sophisticated they are?  
  
Anyway, yeah.  Haruhi was accidentally hypnotized.  It was all dramatic and stuff.  There.  I've done it.  I have taken the sole voice of reason out of this story.  Now what?  Does it even matter?  Is anybody still reading?  No.  So I guess it's a free for all now.  
  
Anyway, Haruhi was a very different person at school the next day.  As soon as Edward walked through the classroom door, she dove to grovel at his feet like all the other girls.  She shirked her studies and hosting duties to go fangirl over him.  It was... really freaking sad.  Tamaki died from jealousy, but then was so jealous even in death that he came back to life again.  The Hitachi twins weren't too happy either.  
  
By the time the host club had entered its second hour of operation for that day, the other hosts could not stand it any longer.  
  
"Takashi," wailed Honey.  "I miss Haru-chan!"  
  
"Me too."  
  
"It's not fair!  How did she even get hypnotized by that vampire?  She only looked at him for a second and he wasn't even trying and he didn't even bite her and I don't even think he's really a vampire!  So why did Haru-chan go crazy?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
The two looked on as Tamaki seethed in jealousy.  The twins, too, had become twitchy with anger.  They were just waiting to hear the order.  And then, it came.  
  
"That does it!" shouted Tamaki.  "The Ouran High School Host Club is hereby forefeitting its so-called Vampire Type!  First year student Edward Cullen is no longer a host."  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"Alright!"  
  
Tamaki marched over towards the sickeningly sparkling stranger.  Eyes forwards, fists clenched, he walked with a look for dramatic determination fitting for even the most emotional of shoju animes.  He stopped in front of Edward, who was still sparkling and brooding, and drew in a deep breath.  
  
"Edward Cullen, you are hereby dismiss - "  
  
"A word with you."  Kyoya ducked in at the last second.  He grabbed Tamaki by the wrist and pulled him aside.  
  
"What... what... what... what... what... What is it?!  What's the matter?!  Why did you stop me?!"  
  
It took Tamaki quite some time to sputter out the question, but Kyoya was extremely patient.  
  
"If we fire Edward," Kyoya explained calmly, "then we will no longer have his powers working on our side.  In fact, they will be working against us, as our customers will be drawn elsewhere, and we will be right back where we were two days ago."  
  
Tamaki frowned.  His eyes watered, then spilled over with tears.    
  
"But... But... But.." he stammered.  "What about my little girl?"  
  
He looked up over eyes that streamed over with tears to see the Hitachi twins nodding sadly.  
  
"Just let her go, Boss," said Hikaru (or Kaoru).  
  
"For the sake of the host club, you've got to wait it out," said Kaoru (or Hikaru).  
  
Sighing heavily, Tamaki conceded.  He knew that his little Haruhi was smarter than those other fangirls.  Most of the girls in the school would be trapped forever, but Haruhi was strong enough to break the spell.  Even though Edward Cullen was written to be bulletproof, waterproof, and able to permanently hypnotize any female just by making eye contact with her, there was no way his powers would have any lasting hold on Haruhi.  They just couldn't.  
  
"As a matter of fact," said Kyoya, "Yes, they could."  He had been looking up information on Edward Cullen's background.  As it turns out, no girl has ever been able to resist his poorly written Gary Stu -like charms.  In addition to which, Kyoya found, it was only a matter of time until this - ahem - vampire - came to attend their school.  Oh, that Edward Cullen.  His family was incredibly rich, aloof to the point of being sociopaths, and so beautiful they could make doves cry.  In short, Edward was the perfect candidate for Ouran.  
  
And of course, things being what they are in these gawdawful stories, Edward fell in love with Haruhi.  It was a long and detailed affair, involving many bubbles and sparkles and rose petals and blushing and sighing and saying one another's names while gazing vapidly into one another's eyes, and it all conveniently happened over the course of about five minutes.  It was epic.  Epic!  The fangirls would be raving about it for years to come.  Years, I tell you, years.  Where was I?  Oh, right.  
  
Edward was in love with Haruhi.  Bella was jealous.  Bella got a chainsaw.  Here's where the story gets interesting.  
  
Yes, indeed, the story gets interesting, the kind of interest that can only involve a warm and fuzzy anime and manga series, a poorly written vampire fanfic that somehow got published on four separate occasions, and a chainsaw.  Can you feel the excitement?  I know I can.  I hope the cookie crumbing, over shoulder reading chick over there can too.  Boo yeah!  
  
Anyway, so Bella revved up that chainsaw with the force of a thousand screaming kittens from hell.  You know, hell kittens.  What do you want?  I'm rushed due to being too hyper.  If you want a decent story, look elsewhere to an author that has the luxury of time (and sanity).  
  
"GRRRRRRRRRRRRR" went Bella.  
  
"GRRRRRRRRRRRRR" went the chainsaw.  
  
"Stop looking at me, Swan!" cried Haruhi.  
  
In a flash of silver and angst, Bella chased Haruhi all around the room.  Unlike most of the girls who fall for Edward Cullen, Haruhi still had enough of a survival instinct left to make a run for it.  But hell hath no fury like a fangirl perceiving scorn - be said scorn actually existent or not.  
  
Haruhi tore down the hall, and then out of the school, and the very moment that she got out into the fresh air, her brain reactivated and she realized Edward is a freaking creeper.    
  
"What the heck was I thinking?" she said.  But there was no time for an answer, because a very jealous chainsaw-wielding Bella Swan was bearing down on her fast.    
  
The two raced down the colonade and soon hit one of those inevitable dead ends.  Haruhi really ought to know her own school, but they never really show more than a few locations - which is great for production value and efficiency and all that, but it's really lousy for getting to know the ins and outs of a place.  The point is, Haruhi was cornered.  It's to make the story more exciting, which I guess I really owe to anyone who has been so good as to read to this point.  So, yes, Bella still has the chainsaw.  
  
But Bella is clumsy.  That is one of her adorable flaws that everyone loves so much, like snapping gum or shaking one's leg or FLICKING GODDAMN COOKIE CRUMBS EVERYWHERE.  Stop it, stop it, I hate you so much, stop it!    
  
Bella tripped, and in a blur of vacant stares and yellow chiffon, she tumbled adorably to the ground.  The chainsaw went flying through the air.  Haruhi screamed.  
  
By some miracle of the Author Liking Haruhi More Than Any Other Character (Except Maybe Honey, And Also Tamaki Has His Moments, And Kyoya, We Can't Forget Kyoya), the chainsaw missed its mark. Okay, so it didn't really have a mark, but it did not kill Haruhi.  Let's say she got some really nasty cuts.  All bloody and dripping and eww, that is so terrible.  
  
Haruhi figured she had better make a run for it while the adorably - sigh - clumsy Bella was still getting to her feet.  The campus was more or less deserted aside from the after school clubs, and after being wounded by a chainsaw from a psycho would-be murderer, you kind of want to be around people.  She made it back to the host club, with Bella still hot on the trail.  Edward sniffed the air, caught scent of the blood, and had a brooding emo moment.  All the fangirls swooned.  
  
Now that Haruhi would be incapacitated, Bella would have to take her place, so Bella snuggled in next to Edward, and Edward drank her blood instead cuz he was all romantic like that, and all the fangirls including Renge swooned over them.  Hearts flew through the air.  I suppose that would be the only place they were safe, considering that hearts contain a life-sustaining amount of blood.  
  
Hell, I've lost track of what the hell I'm writing.  I don't know anymore.  I just don't.  Where was I?  Oh, yes, Edward and Bella.  Couple.  
  
OMG, how is it that even in a fanfic THIS bad, I still maintain the canon couples... wow.  I guess I am just that good.  Also, Bell-ugh and Ed-wad kind of deserve each other, don't you think so?  
  
Right, so Haruhi comes into the room all covered in blood.  She burst through the doors, gory crimson rivulets running all down her body.  Out of breath and panting hard, she collapsed on the nearest couch.  The fangirls were all so busy fawning over Edward that they did not notice.  
  
"OMG, Haruhi!" screamed Tamaki.  "What did that little witch do to you?"  
  
Nah, I don't want to give that line to Tamaki.  Sure, he'd be the most likely to say it, but he's so dramatic most of the time that it hardly means anything coming from him.  
  
"Oh, good lord, Haruhi," said Kyoya, showing just an edge of being shocked..  
  
"What has she done to you?" asked the Hitachi twins.  Their eyes grew wide with concern as they knelt on either side of the couch that she had fallen onto.  Haruhi caught her breath and examined her wounds.  Miraculously, they didn't appear to be too deep.  Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a suspiciously large strawberry.  Turning around, she saw that it was the topping of a ridiculously cute little cake, being offered by Honey.  
  
"Here, Haru-chan," he said, pushing the cake a little closer.  "I hope this makes you feel better while the doctors are on their way."  
  
"Thanks, Honey-senpai, but you go ahead."  
  
Honey adorably - _real_ adorably, not _Bella_ adorably - began munching on cake.  This left Haruhi to wonder exactly how a martial arts expert could ever mistake pastry for proper first aid.  Someone with his upbringing ought to know a thing or two about the human body.  Then she realized something he had said.  
  
"Wait a minute," she said.  "What doctors?"  
  
Haruhi looked up in time to see Kyoya approaching.  He was wearing his usual cool expression of not caring, but Haruhi knew her friend too well.  
  
"I've just summoned a team of the most highly skilled doctors to look after that for you," he said, gesturing to her wounds.  "They should be here within the next five minutes."  
  
Haurhi was floored at this.  
  
"You know, that's really not necessary," she said, feeling suddenly awkward at all the attention.  She rolled up her sleeve and showed him a row of gashes.  They were bleeding but not that deep.  "Look, it's only the first few layers of skin.  She really just grazed me."  
  
Listen to her.  She's like the Black Knight from Monty Python's "Holy Grail" movie, which I love but can never correctly remember the title.  
  
But, really, Bella just grazed her.  
  
"Yeah," said Hikaru (or Kaoru).  
  
"With a chainsaw," said Kaoru (or Hikaru).  
  
"Really, Haru-chan?" asked Honey, through a mouthful of cake.  He leaned in for a closer look.  "Doesn't that hurt a lot?"  
  
Mori, who was also examining the cuts, nodded.  
  
"It's just a flesh wound."  
  
Haruhi sighed, trying to look more bored than she really was.  She was getting really uncomfortable having everyone focus on her like that, so she rolled down her sleeve again.  It stung like hell, but she knew she would be better in a little while.  The miracle of a near miss.  
  
Where is Tamaki in all this?  Let's just say, he was so worried that he turned into that shivering black and white sketchy outline of himself, and he was in a trance in a corner somewhere.  There we go.  In character.  Wow, I am a regular Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way with my Mad Fanfic Skillz.  
  
Okay, um, what now?  Plot point.  Need a plot point.  Also, I kind of want a cookie.  But first, plot point.    
  
Hell, there is no way I am paying like two dollars for a coffee shop cookie.  I can bake a ton of cookies at home for way less, and they taste a lot better too.  You hear that, coffee shop?  My cookies can beat up your cookies.  
  
Okay, so, plot point.  Okay, all the fangirls were identifying with Bella so hard that they had more or less put on her skin like that murderer farmer guy.  Edward was jealous.  So he bit all the fangirls and drank their blood.  Most of them died.  A few of them turned into vampires.  
  
And then... Just when the author thought that she had written herself into a corner, a Plot arrived!  
  
"Oh, look at that," said Honey.  "That's really scary."  
  
Kyoya nodded.  "Indeed," he said.  "Now that all of our customers are either dead or vampires, we no longer have a client base."  
  
"Meaning..."  
  
"Meaning the host club will have to disband."  
  
Dun dun dunnnn.  
  
"No, wait," cried Tamaki, who had just come out of his trance.  (I totally lost where I am in this story.  Also, every time I try to write "Tamaki," my fingers want to type MY name because it's similar and I am way more used to typing that.  Kinetic memory or whatever it is called).  
  
Tamaki was saying something.  It was dramatic.  
  
"No, wait!  We can't give up that easily!"  
  
And he gave a really great speech about love and friendship and accepting your true self et cetera.  It was very moving.  You really should have heard it.  
  
Stop flicking cookies at me, bitch.  
  
And Tamaki -   
  
Damn!  
  
And Tamaki decided that he would make a deal with the... what's his name.  Nekozawa.  I forget what his official title is.  He's the leader of that goth club I can't recall the name of.  Anyway, the host club made a deal with him.  
  
"Yeesssss," said Nekozawa, creeping out of the darkness being all creepy-like.  He pulled back his hood just enough to see everyone around him.  Looking at him directly, you could see his eyes glowing, and it was a really cool dramatic effect.  I mean, the guy makes his eyes glow!  I so wish I could do that.  I also wish I could get away with going around wearing a black hooded robe and communicating with the outside world primarily via a puppet, although I would not want a cat puppet like Belzenef.  I would rather have a turtle.  But, that's just me.  I like turtles.  A lot.  I also like bats, but a bat puppet might be hard to manipulate, and heaven knows it's hurting my wrists enough just to type continuously without stopping, even to think.  Can you tell I'm not thinking at all while writing this story?  I can!  
  
Okay, so Nekozawa.  He totally took the deal, cuz he is a goth and goths love vampires.  
  
I totally am not hating on the goths here.  I had that kind of mindset myself for much of my childhood.  I just didn't dress the part because, well, long story.   
  
And so, Nekozawa took all the vampire'd FANGirls ("fangs," get it?  Cuz I'm goffik) and Bella and Edward and he took them into his forbidden chamber of darkness and mystery, where they were out of the way.  More girls, slightly more normal ones, came to the host club, and everything was okay again for the host club.  Haruhi healed really fast and everything was good.  
  
Epilogue!  Because the story is over!    
  
And in the darkness, Edward sparkled no more.  Actually, in the darkness, non-sparkling Edward became a real vampire and he killed Bella and everyone was happy.  Except Twilight fans.  Who I have probably pissed off enough already.  lolz.  
  
The End.  Yaaaay!


End file.
